#MyMotherhood Ali Byatt On Her Experience Of Her Journey To Adopting

The final episode of the mini series! We hope you've all enjoyed listening. Today we speak to Ali Byatt on her journey to adopting her two children, and the highs and lows of this. Go check out her Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/Im.winging.it.too/ Eve: Today I’m joined by Ali Byatt from @im.winging.it.too to speak about her journey to motherhood and also her journey to adoption. Ali adopted 4 years ago and today she documents her family life over Instagram. Ali: I’m 39, the big 4 – 0 this year, hopefully out of lockdown. I became a mum in 2016 we adopted our 2 children; they were brother and sister and they came to us at the same time and it flipped our lives upside down in the most amazing way. It was also challenging at some points as well. I started my Instagram to find other families that have adopted. I think social media gets quite a bad rep but if you keep your boundaries it can be some type of therapy and a powerful thing to support you. Eve: We have actually had a few people on the podcast saying they have found friends on Instagram that they would not have found otherwise. It’s really lovely. What’s your journey to motherhood? Ali: I had a number of operations when I was younger that means that my lady parts weren’t working as they should. I put children on the back burner as I was very carer driven and worked in early years. I met my husband 11 years ago and he was 7 years younger than me and children wasn’t really on the cards. A really good friend of mine, her father passed away and we were very close with him and this shifted things into perspective. I had always thought about adoption and it would have been something I would have considered even if I could have children naturally. I have some issues with hospitals from operations in the past and I thought I could not physically put myself through the IVF process. It took us about 18 months to be approved as adopters. The second profile of the children we saw, I just knew they were for us. We only got approved for a toddler and one child, so we had to get re approved for siblings. We’ve had to learn a lot about how we parent as some children can come with a lot of trauma from spending time with their birthparents. Eve: How long did the adoption process take? Ali: We registered as adopters in February 2015 and it consist of 3 phases. The first phase is information gathering, you have a medical and then phase 2 is training. Eve: How did you find this emotionally? Ali: I buried a lot of emotions about things up until the children moved in and about 6 months after. I hadn’t realised how my infertility and my relationship with my father had both affected me. After 6 months of the children moving in I started to experience panic attacks and anxiety so I sought therapy. I made things much more difficult for myself than necessary and I also thought these children need perfection because of what they had experienced previously coming to me. The thing I’ve learnt the most I can teach them is emotion regulation and resilience. With my son if we feel like things are rising he goes and blows bubbles at the back door as we know it regulated his breathing again. I’ve learnt I need to go a lot easier on myself. From working with children and being with children, I thought I knew a lot more than I did. Eve: That’s not a bad thing to admit! Its self-learning and self-realisation. Ali: I’m quite a placid person and I’ve never met people that can wind up my buttons like my children can! We all love the bones of each other and know how to make each other happy but we also know what winds each other up. Eve: What was it like the first time you met your two children? Ali: I remember the exact moment. They were at their foster house and we had to drive a long way to meet them. We walked up the drive and my son had this big smile which I now know is actually his very scared smile. He was waving at the window and my daughter was clinging onto the foster carer. The introduction happened and then they came home with us 10 days later. Eve: How did your children take to you in those first few weeks? Ali: They did take to us really well, my son Thomas called me Mummy from the moment he met me. Tiggs wasn’t talking and walking yet and the second day she did stay with the foster carer. The first time she touched me we were playing in the sand and she touched my hand, and I was really trying hard not to cry. Eve: How are you today? Ali: Today we are ok, we miss our space. I was furloughed most of the year which was a blessing as the kids were at home, so I needed to be around. Thomas is transferring to a new special school at the moment where he will hopefully get on better as he didn’t like his previous school. I miss my friends at the moment, I’m a very sociable person, but Instagram is good at this! We’re very lucky to be honest, we live by the sea and we have found lots of walks to go on the beach and in the woods. We got a new dog in March and he’s perfect, the children both love him. Eve: What advice would you give to people starting the adoption process or have thought about it before? Ali: I would 100% recommend adoption. I would go onto Instagram and follow all the UK adoption communities. If you do decide to start the process is to take as much time for yourself as when the children come, they’re is not that much time for yourself. When going through the process you find a lot out about the children and what they have been through and you feel a lot of sympathy for them. I think it’s really important to change this into empathy. Your children need you to look after yourself so you can look after them in the best possible way. Eve: What does Motherhood mean to you? Ali: It means everything! Although parenthood is challenging its helped me improve everything about myself. Motherhood to me is realising you are worth fighting for and changing for as well as just your children. Eve: Who do you look up to in life and why? Ali: Definitely my mum. She is just amazing and is there for me no matter what. She was a single mum and has raised me and my brother really well. I don’t think I would have got through without her. She’s everyone’s mum and you can talk to her about anything! Eve: What is your main mantra you live your life by? Ali: There isn’t such a thing as a perfect mum or perfect woman, your flaws are what make you. If I hadn’t had gone through what I went through when I was a child, I wouldn’t be the mother to the children I am. If you ask yourself who’s asking yourself to be perfect, it’s probably your own mind. Eve: You have been amazing, so interesting. Thank you!