143: It’s Ok To Be Different in a Blended Family

Summary Brian Mayer talks about how even as adults we can often feel like we don’t measure up to our friends who have been married for years with lots of kids.  It can sometimes look like they have the idyllic life, which of course we know is not always true.  But still it can be hard not to celebrate our differences.  That is what we are going to do today.  Your different blended family is one to be proud of especially because you have lots more experiences in pain and difficulty that others can learn from.  We hope you are inspired by today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies I have never been very comfortable with feeling different.  I had periods in my childhood especially where I struggled with my weight.  In fact as I look back on my youth, whenever I had periods of feeling like I was in the spotlight, I would cope with my anxiety by eating.  In fact I remember that when I played baseball, I especially disliked being the batter at the plate.  I felt like all eyes were lasered in on me as I was doing my best to hit the ball.  Looking back, I often failed not because I didn’t have the ability but that I had an extreme discomfort in feeling different or standing out.  Same goes for my divorce.  I had an extreme discomfort in feeling different than all of my friends.  This was driven largely by feelings of being a failure.  So not only did I feel like I had failed in my first marriage but I felt like I was a failure.  I would like to say I had some big light bulb moment that changed all of this but much time was needed for the feelings to fade and to realize that lots of people go through the struggle.  Of course once you get through the hurdle of being okay with feeling different because you are divorced, then comes the blended family experience.  And most definitely that for sure feels much different!   I went to a wedding this weekend, and in spite of my divorce taking place over 20 years ago, and this blended family journey I started well over 15 years ago, I still felt that same feeling of being just a bit different.  You might be asking what was it about this wedding that brought those feelings up?  I suppose it was two fold.  Of course seeing a young couple getting married for the first time.  They were high school and maybe even middle school sweethearts.  Seeing them up at the altar took me back to my first wedding and marriage and all the promise.     Then the parents of the two families I know well as we all attend the same church.  The groom’s parents have been married for well over 30 years and have 5 boys together.  The brides parents also to my knowledge married over 30 years and have a mixture of boys and girls that make up 5 kids.  So all that being said, definitely gave me some small moments where I thought wow how nice would it be to be married to the same person for that long and to have that many kids together.  Alas it did not happen for me.  As the wedding wound down, and my wife (both our second marriage) got into the car together to ride home, we remembered with fondness our own wedding and how my daughter from my previous marriage who was 8 at the time was not completely thrilled.  It was a sweet but tough time. It was sweet because it was a new adventure where we both felt like we were getting a second chance.  My daughter on the other hand felt as if she were getting the shaft.  So it was a balance, but one that we look on now knowing that we are better for it.  So that being said how do we celebrate and feel good that we are different?  Let’s talk about that: First, as the Kelly Clarkson song goes, “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger.”  To me this means that if we survive divorce and that initial stages of blending, then indeed this has made us stronger.     We can offer help and hope to those struggling with loss and pain.  Really any kind of loss and pain can resonate with us having dealt with some of the biggest emotional pain on the planet.  We don’t get complacent with relationships with the kids.  In fact we have to be careful that we don’t go the other way and over analyze and beat ourselves up and…and…and.  In other words though on the bright side we can put much more thought and effort because our circumstances are so much different.  Most of us realize that our past relationships that ended, are a result of issues on both ends.  If you are like me, shortly after my marriage ended I put the entire blame on my ex-wife for the end of the relationship.  But wow as the years passed by I soon realized the part I played.  So all this being said, we can gently offer to our friends that they could also being playing a part in relationship difficulties.  We are good at juggling.  What do I mean there?  I mean good at juggling lots of people’s attitudes and ego’s all while hopefully maintaining ours.  We hope that today’s message, has offered some hope that it is okay to be different.  Remember that the people that stand out are generally the people that are different.  Don’t be afraid to be and do different.   Let that be you moving forward in your blended family journey.