186: Communication Series – Part 5 Making Assumptions

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies We all make assumptions about the motivation behind what we think people are doing or saying. This has no doubt become very prevalent in our culture but also in our relationships with the people we love the most.  I have heard the phrase as well around “making meaning out of something.” We do it with everything in our lives because our brains are curious to understand.  So when someone cuts us off in traffic, an immediate thought might be that they are insensitive or uncaring or even selfish.  Or let’s say with the pandemic we are currently working to come out of. I might have a tendency to judge someone that is wearing a mask as someone who is irrationally fearful.  So in these cases, I am placing my own judgment on the situation without really truly knowing or understanding what is going on. Maybe in the examples above especially with the driving example, it is quite possible that was Mother Teresa in the car and she is frantically trying to get to the hospital to meet a loved one before they die. In that case we certainly would not say she is selfish or uncaring.  What if in the mask example, the person has lost several members of their family to death for one reason or another. Maybe they are not healthy.  In that case we wouldn’t say they are irrationally fearful.    Same in a relationship. We are often making judgments or assumptions about what we think our partner is up to.  Now sometimes are assumption might be right on target but often they are not.  Assumptions can often cause unnecessary resentment to be built based on some faulty belief we have about what our spouse is doing. An example might be that I might look at my wife as thinking she thinks she is never wrong in an argument because she never says she is sorry. But I may discover at some point that she has this negative self chatter that says if I apologize it means that I am less than or not a good person.  Of course at the point she is not going to apologize but again not for reason I assumed.  Okay so all this being said what are some ways to reduce the assumption making? Lets go over some now.      We say this one all the time.  But slow your thinking.  Just ask the person you are making the assumption about. Ask them what the motivation was behind whatever they did or said.  From there try your best to take it at face value.  Realize there could be another alternative. Another way to say this is to realize there could be shades of gray available rather than something that is simply black or white.  Watch Projection. Just because you would react or respond with a specific motivation does not mean that someone else would do the same.  This is a defense mechanism where we end up making everything about ourselves.  As if some person’s actions are a direct reflection on something they are doing to us.  This is often not the case.  Reflect on your past experiences. Is there anything that is causing you to look through a specific lens in a certain way about a situation.   Practice and get in touch with these things to help reduce your assumptions that often are incorrect. Don’t forget to check out the previous 4 episodes in our 10 part series on communication. We have talked about Speaking Gently, Active Listening, Empathy, and Showing Interest.   Resources: None Mentioned   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.  is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.