53: 7 Reasons to Wait to Get Remarried

Summary Brian Mayer talks about our desire to get remarried and replace what we lost or never had from our first marriage.  Sometimes things seem right and we move forward and sometimes things don’t feel so right yet we still move forward anyway.  Today we will discuss some of the signals and signs that might be showing you that now is not the time to dive into a remarriage.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies For those of us that have gotten remarried, most of the time the dating period is much shorter than in our first marriage.  There are lots of reasons for this.  Sometimes it is a result of being more mature, knowing we what we want, knowing what works and what doesn’t.  However sometimes we shorten the dating period to marriage and living together for the wrong reasons.  Did you know that a study out of Emory University that tracked over 3,000 couples found that those who dated for 3 years or more were almost 40% less likely to divorce that those who dated less than a year.  Those that at least dated for 2 years were 20% less likely to divorce than those at less than a year.  So this research suggests that in general it is good to wait.  However we should look beyond the timeframe and look at more concrete examples of some warnings signs that you should think about when it comes to get remarried and blending your family with your partner.  Let’s talk about some of the warning signs.  Are you trying to get rid of loneliness.  If so, then you are trying to replace something that is internally broken with something external like a spouse or a family.  Do you feel pressure from family, friends, or even society that you should be married.  Do you desire to get remarried because you feel like people look down on you for being single?  Are you still in the limerence phase in your relationship with your new partner.  The dictionary definition of limerence is “the state of being infatuated with another person usually involuntarily.”  You may have heard of 3 stages of feelings for a romantic partner – love, lust, and limerence.  You should be honest with yourself and if you have not reached the more deep love stage then you could be living an illusion.  Is a financial decision to bring together households together to lessen the burden on one or both of you driving your decision.  Of course this can be a piece of why you want to get remarried but you should not let this be a primary reason.  Are you thinking that if you get remarried that some habit that your partner has will change?  Does your partner work more than you would like?  Does your partner drink too much?  Often assuming that if you get married, it will automatically change your partner is setting you and the relationship up for failure.  Are you spiritually on the same page?  For those of us that believe we will spend an eternity in heaven, this might be the most important issue of them all.  If you disagree on this issue then it will potentially pervade many areas of your life.  Typically for those of us that are strong in the Christian faith, we know that there is only one way to heaven and that is through Jesus Christ.  Therefore if your partner does not believe the same, it is going to create surface arguments as well as deep rooted differences in values to be at play as well.     You want your children to have another parent in the home.  While this is probably healthier if it is all working appropriately to have two parents in the home, if you are simply trying to replace something then once again you may be setting yourself and your children up for failure.  This piece takes time and patience to make sure everything is in order.      Just remember to be patient and let some time and diligent work on your part help you to work some of these issues first.  If you can work through these issues and some others that you may have realized through listening today, then the likelihood of your next marriage working better will increase!     Resources: The Smart Stepdad by Ron Deal Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is nothing something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.