56: Projecting Past Hurts onto Your Partner

Summary Brian Mayer talks the very common issue of projecting past hurts onto a new partner.  For those of you that have been through a divorce or other tough break-up, there is a high likelihood that you may be doing this.  You may or may not be aware of this.  Of course your partner could be doing the same.  Today we will talk about this issue and what to watch out for.  We hope you enjoy today’s episode.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Break-ups and divorces are hard and can sometimes be very bad.  Did you know that on the life stress scale, Divorce is number 2 behind only the death of a spouse.  It is ahead of things like a cancer diagnosis, getting fired from a job, or going to jail.     However sometimes it is the past relationship itself that may have been difficult.  There are lots of things in our past relationships that can be stressful.  Some of those are: Infidelity on your part Infidelity on your partner’s part Physical Abuse Emotional Abuse Mental Health Disorders including Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, OCD, ADHD, or even things like Conflict Communication Difficulties including Narcissism Control through Social Isolation or Sex Humiliation in front of others These issues are indeed painful and most likely if they occurred you somehow adapted for a time until maybe something finally pushed you over the edge to consider a break-up or divorce. The unfortunate part about these issues is that the residue of the pain can linger past this relationship.  It is very normal for lot’s of us to experience things like this and have to work through on an individual basis.  This is where a good support group or counseling can really help.  However, we often begin a new relationship before we have fully healed from these past hurts.  Because of this, things that the new partner does or says become triggers. What are triggers you ask?  Well of course we all know what that means when it applies to a pistol or rifle is that it is piece on the gun that will set it off.  A trigger in life is something similar. A life trigger is something that happens outside of yourself like a word or an action by your partner that sets off a whirlwind of emotion and often a resulting behavior change.  So for example, your spouse coming home 30 minutes late without letting you know reminds you of your past spouse who did this because he was having an affair.  As a result, you state you don’t trust your current spouse even though they haven’t done anything besides being forgetful.  So how do you know if you are projecting?  Let’s talk about some of those ways.  But before we begin, I must say that there are indeed times where your current partner is doing something really hurtful like emotional or physical abuse or maybe there is an affair.  If that is the case then get help.  However, if these are not the case then this is for you: Anxiety when your partner doesn’t immediately return a call, email, or text could be a sign that you could be feeling triggered. You don’t fully trust what your partner is telling you, but nothing or very little has ever been done to warrant that mistrust. There is difficulty controlling anger over even small disagreements Are you jealous of others?  Do you say things like “I trust you, but it is others that I do not trust.”  If you are saying this then you are basically saying, “I do not trust you.” If there is anything you are assuming or attempting to mind read.  If this is the case, just ask and maybe you will get an answer you are looking for.    Honestly, projection can be defeated by lots of self awareness and introspection.  Remember though things like narcissism and gaslighting are real and so do not turn a blind eye to things like that but again on the other hand be careful about assuming things that may not be true about your current partner. Resources: None Mentioned Today Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is nothing something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.