69: Anger and Making Decisions about the Kids

Brian Mayer talks about how common it is for anger to play a role in making decision regarding how to share kids time with your ex-spouse.  We will take some time to talk through this issue on today’s episode.  We hope you are inspired by what you hear today.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies What are the basic human emotions?  Most people would say Fear, Anger, Happiness, Sadness are among the most common.  All of these emotions can certainly drive us to do different things for sure.  Today we are going to focus Anger and the impact it can have on making decisions about the kids especially in regarding to how to share the parenting.     The interesting about anger is that it is generally considered a secondary emotion.  What does this mean exactly?  It means that another emotion is most likely at the root of what is really going on.  Often anger boils to the surface, but what really might be going on below is embarrassment, feeling disrespected, depression, anxiousness, worry, insecurity, grief, or frustration.  I have to tell you that no doubt in my own experience anger came out when it was really hurt, sadness, loneliness, and anxiety among probably many other emotions.  The main issue with these primary emotions is that we must be able to vocalize them appropriately and in addition be heard and understood by another human being namely our ex-spouse.  The problem that happens most often is that we generally either are not heard and understood or perceive that we are not.  As a result emotions boil out in anger.  Most often nothing productive comes from anger.  Now to be fair, feeling angry and behaving angrily are two separate things.  You are more than correct to feel angry sometimes, but angry behaviors such as screaming, slamming doors, and throwing things is of course never productive.  So again while the emotion of anger is acceptable it is still good to get at the root of what may be going on for you underneath that root.  Have you ever made a decision to withhold a child’s time with the other parent, change the agreed upon time, or have an unhealthy exchange because of anger?  You might be saying no but my ex-spouse always does.  I definitely wanted to start with you because there are certainly cases where this might be you and that is of course much easier to deal with than the ex-spouse’s anger.  Let’s turn our focus toward the children.  Is anger and the show of anger good for kids?  I think we can all agree that when children see their parents spewing venom it is never a good thing.  Here are some ways that anger is shown toward children inappropriately: Arguing in front of the children Talking bad or down about the other child’s parent to the child Telling the children that the other spouse has abandoned you and the kids.  This one could be true in some instances, but sometimes it is a perception.  How Does it Affect Children? They can resent one or both parents which is not healthy.  Sometimes this causes artificial emotions walls to be built by children as a form of protection Sometimes children will show anger toward other children as a way of releasing what they are absorbing at home Anger can cause depression and anxiety in children because they will often believe that they are the cause of the anger issues How Can you Deal with your own Anger or the Anger of Your Ex-Spouse Remain Calm.  This one is easier said than done.  Remember you will often go into fight, flight or freeze mode when you get upset.  Start recognizing this more and learn to breathe.  Get Support.  Make sure your current spouse and you are united and on the same team.  This can help make you feel like you are not alone.  If you are not married, then friends and family are important.  Think about your children as Adults.  Imagine asking them this question, “How did the way in which I interacted with your mom/dad affect you?”  Hopefully you would be able to connect unhealthy interactions with unhealthy outcomes for the children for sure.       Resources: None Mentioned. Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!